With all the competition amongst Astoria homes to snare an elusive buyer, I'm surprised at some of the tactics being employed. In the spirit of educating my clients and the public alike, I' thought I should compile a list of tips to help you avoid having your home sell once it's been listed for sale.

- Pick a list price not substantiated by fact and professional analysis, but based on the dollar amount that affords you that Mexican cruise and new Caddy.

- Close every door and window in the house while deep fying seafood and smoking a pipe. The resulting aroma will surely leave a lasting impression with potential buyers.

- If you have a dog, encourage it to take care of business all across the yard and don't clean it up. Especially if Buyers would have to walk in the yard to see part of the house.

- Paint each room in the house a different shade of either lime green, pepto pink or burnt orange.

- When preparing for a showing, leave the dirty laundry on the floor and the clean laundry on the couch.

- Ask your neighbor is he'd like to store that cherry Trans-Am in the front yard while he's replacing the engine. Better yet, while he parts it out. Bonus: use it a yard art.

I could go on, but I won't divulge all my secrets up front.